Little did I know growing up, but those panic attacks, stomach aches and chest ‘heaviness’ that I felt had a name – stress and anxiety.
In high school, I knew certain situations made me feel uncomfortable. I also knew that getting a poor grade upset me on a level that it shouldn’t. But I was a successful student, athlete, community leader – so I just pushed through those feelings and kept doing.
I graduated to university with a small scholarship and worked 30 hours a week to pay the rest of my way. I was good at my jobs, I volunteered, had friends and eventually got my four year Honours History degree, cum laude, with a job in hand that paid incredibly well. But when I thought that I was late for work? It was like someone had died. The stress of exams was unbearable at times. Yet, I pushed through.
In my working career, it was much of the same. I moved around some jobs as opportunities arose. Proved myself as a good employee. Meanwhile, my personal life couldn’t be better. After meeting my husband in my early twenties, we got married and starting talking about a family. But finally, one summer, as I wouldn’t sleep or eat for a couple of days because something at work was worrying me, I knew there was a problem.
More specifically, if I was going to have children – the ultimate thing to love and worry about – I had to get these feelings of panic under control.
After speaking with my doctor, I saw a therapist.
I can’t remember how many sessions I did now. It was about 6 maybe. But they were wonderful. I went in skeptical. I had a great childhood, was a strong woman, had a wonderful husband and personal life, good job etc. So what could ‘talking’ about feelings really do? Turns out, a lot.
What therapy was able to do was open my eyes to my triggers. Situations that make me feel overwhelmed. I have trouble saying no, and take on too many tasks. I have trouble admitting if I failed at something, or if I just can’t do it. All of these awareness issues helped.
When I had my son, I quit work to become a stay at home mom. The weird thing is that while I expected my anxiety to peak, it’s been motherhood that has held a steady hand to mine. I don’t know if I’ve realized that things aren’t always perfect – I mean, kids have a way of changing plans – or if it’s the fact that I can finally enjoy success in a different way.
Unfortunately, from time to time, my panic and anxiety wins. 2 weeks ago I went through a period of 2 days with little sleep, little relief from something that was bothering me. I didn’t know how to get the thoughts out of my mind.
2 nights ago, it happened again. Something crept in my head and wouldn’t leave. It’s an awful feeling of no control.
I don’t have any answers. I am able to guide the anxiety with awareness and time. I haven’t gone on medication or see a therapist for a couple of years, but if it ever gets really bad again I would examine all possibilities. (Note: if you feel like you need help, please do seek it. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help).
I will however, candidly share with you what I discovered about myself. My trigger areas. These are not clinically defined, they are defined by me and what I’ve learned but maybe you can relate.
Perfectionism gone awry
I always tried to maintain some sort of perfect image. And the definition of perfect changed depending on where in my life I was. I wanted to be a perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect wife etc. An A in school was a must, anything less was a failure. The funny thing is, this was all created by me. My parents never put that kind of pressure on my grades or success. I did. In my working life, I had to know the answer or get things right immediately. But I learned over time that everything is a learning experience, that perfectionism isn’t something anyone needs to obtain. Doing our own personal best is a far better goal.
The Principal’s Office – Avoiding conflict
This ties in to my attempt to be perfect. I don’t like conflict. I don’t like getting in trouble, or causing trouble for others. It stresses me out! The Principal’s Office situation is something I define by that feeling of ‘oh no I’m in trouble’. So, if I got good grades I wouldn’t get in trouble at school. If I did what my parents asked of me, I wouldn’t get in trouble at home. If I was the best employee, then I wouldn’t be called into my bosses office. Stress arises in this situation when I usually make something up.
For example, the end of a work day I get an email from my boss saying ‘I need to speak with you tomorrow am when you get in’. I try to find her before I leave but she’s already gone. I then would spend ALL night worried about why she wanted to see me. In reality, she probably wanted to see me to give me the latest on a project, give me credit for something or ask a very simple question. I over-analyze.
The Fraud Syndrome
I am seemingly a fairly confident person. And for the most part, I live that way. I have faith in myself, I am comfortable in the choices I make. I can be strong. But no matter how hard I work for any success I achieved (good grades, good jobs, promotions, my twitter/blog life) I sometimes (when anxiety is winning) I feel like a fraud.
As though I don’t deserve that promotion because I can’t do the job – I was just good at faking my knowledge.
As in, my blog isn’t really that good and I’m faking my writing and abilities.
If I meet somebody in real life, I will be a disappointment. I won’t be as ‘good’ as they expected.
A lot of these feelings are just not warranted. I know that. But that’s the problem with stress and anxiety. Sometimes, the unnecessary wins.
I am getting better. I really feel like I’m slowly putting myself out there. I’m cutting back on some responsibilities that I don’t have time for or aren’t making me happy. I am surrounding myself with positive people.
Even still, once and a while you may see a tweet from me like the one a couple of weeks ago – but you know what? Your responses helped so much. We can all support each other. And that’s a start.
Thanks for sharing Becky! I definitely think therapy is helpful, and we shouldn't fear it, if it's needed.
Thanks for sharing this post. It is amazing how many people suffer in silence from anxiety and depression. But, as you have shown, these are not debilitating conditions — they are manageable — and people live happy productive lives, especially when they are able to seek out help. I also agree with some kind of Wondermom that the right therapist or counsellor can really be so helpful. Sometimes the people around you are just too close to be able to help.
I get the same thing! I feel like my chest is constricting. Why? I'm not taking care of myself. I need to make time for myself like you are 🙂
I believe my kids are responsible for knocking sense in to me and allowing to get it that "sometimes imperfect is just ok". I do hate overanalyzing and strange how our own mind can put us in such a conflicting situation! I loved the article 🙂
Great post Rebecca. Your writing and your blog is always something I look forward to. And I've met you a bunch of times in person, and you are super sweet and nice and wonderful. It's evident from your writing what kind of a person you are, you know. And I am with you on the worry and stress. An email like the one you described from your boss, I'm the same way.. .I'll freak until I find out what she wanted to talk to me about. And the worry and stress over my childrn, well, that is life changing altogether. It seems to have gotten even worse for me, but I remember I had chest pains at 18, and had an ECG and chest x-ray due to stress and worry… sigh.
Amazing how many of us suffer with this. I hit bad spot and had to go to the ER when I was 21, it was all just stress because I started a new job, moved and my step-sister was getting married. I had no clue it was because of that, I just felt like something was seriously wrong with me because my throat closed and I could not even swallow. Now I worry that is what is happening with my son, and it breaks my heart 🙁
This is one of the best posts describing anxiety that I have ever read. I suffer from it too and like you motherhood has really calmed it in most ways ( after a wonky PP period) but everything you wrote I was nodding my head to ! Especially the fraud and principals office- wow I know exactly how you feel, and knowing I am not the only one makes me feel way way less crazy when those feelings creep up.
(((hug))) Thank you!
Thanks for this post, I am always so much more drawn to people who tell the truth.
So here's some in exchange…I can identify with so much of this post. The need to work hard, do better, do more, finish more. To avoid negative feedback professionally even if it means taking on extra work, perhaps even more than my fair share. In my work life, there were always ways that work would come home with me: calls from staff that I made myself available to, extra work when I took over another person's responsibilities suddenly became half of a day off to complete.
It's too much. Pushing harder, letting that inside voice tell you if you just do more it will be enough doesn't always get you to where you want to be. I have looked at myself more honestly this year and am noticing the pressures I feel. I have had to let some things slide, and it's not easy. And I have a ways to go. I'm trying to do more things that are unpredictable, less controllable. More sleep, more good food, more time for the things and people who bring me joy, less running on just coffee and chocolate (oh, you know I do…lol)
Looking forward to seeing how we both learn to just breathe. Life is beautiful today…imperfect, unexpected, uncontrollable life. Enjoy it.
xoxo's – I'm always here.
Wow, Becky, what an amazing post! I can sure relate to the crippling effect of perfectionism and the fraud syndrome. But you – you are as real as they come – and that's what makes your writing so powerful. Keep your head up and you'll see what good company you're in.
Thanks so much for sharing! It is not always easy to share these feeling.
I am trying to do my part by getting rid of the stigma that comes along "mental illness".
We have started to feature a Mental Health Moment once a month on our blog. You can see our last post here
http://www.mommymoment.ca/2010/03/stressed-depressed-anxious.html
I hope you'll come by!
Thanks again for being so real!
Jody from Mommy Moment
What a wonderful and refreshingly honest post. I always look forward to your posts because I think you are a wonderful writer.
I feel the same way about some of what you wrote about, particularily the conflict avoidance and feeling like a fraud. That's part of the reason I seem to have stalled with my own blog and getting out and meeting new people. I'm always afraid that I won't be perceived the same way I am online. For me, my anxiety issues just seem to have gotten worse after having kids and I need to learn ways to control them or I'm afraid I'll pass on the same issues to my children.
Thank you for talking about a subject that many of us try to avoid.
I agree 100% that it's so important to seek help if you're suffering with anxiety. I can relate to a lot of the things you mentioned here. Having kids is, I think, the ultimate lesson in learning to let go of the less important things, and realize that life isn't always going to be perfect and that's okay. Great post.
Hi Rebecca,
I can relate! I had a wonderful childhood and a loving relationship with my parents, but have dealt with anxiety and depression much of my life, and am avoidant of conflict. I'm a lot older than you (50!)and have taught RIE parent/infant guidance classes for 15 years and observed hundreds of child/parent interactions. In the classes we learn about parenting, but also end up recognizing the source of our own issues. Many of us had parents who — out of love — did not let us experience struggle, frustation and failure, beginning in infancy. Babies must be given those opportunities, so they learn to take failures in stride. They are more than ready to do this, if we can let them. I just posted on this issue in my blog. "Praising Babies/Risking Failure" http://bit.ly/9BgIqx on janetlansbury.com It also examines a fascinating recent NYC school study on children and praise.
Thank you for sharing your experiences!
-janet
This was a great post. I bet it was hard to write! I really appreciate your candor, from one conflic-avoidant perfectionist to another! We really REALLY have to get together for that coffee one day!
🙂
I can so totally relate to this. I have a lot of the same feelings and fears. I also had a similar route to coming through the worst of it. When I was newly-married I knew that I needed to address it and I did. I am much better, although I am definitely triggered from time to time.
This is a little bit timely, actually, as I am planning a post for tomorrow about my daughter. She's 5 now and I'm seeing a lot of the same anxiety patterns in her that I know from myself. It gives me a whole 'nother thing to worry about.
I can totally relate to this. I have issues with all three of your triggers. These days they cause me to shut down (which is bad when living with a husband and kids). My husband has learned to identify when I am shutting down and tries to help me (instead of getting angry like he did when we first married). He also suffered from severe anxiety (still does on occasion) and therapy was what helped him.
Thanks for this post, it is nice to know we are not alone!
I loved that you said that sometimes you feel like a fraud. I often think I have everyone, especially my co-workers, fooled. Lately, to deal with anxiety I've been using my new mantra: what is the worst thing that could happen?
Being bi-polar means I also worry that I appear too happy or I'm too withdrawn.
Thanks for writing this.
Great post! I started suffering from severe stress and anxiety as a child, too. I would get horrible cancer sores from it starting in the SECOND grade.
Over time, I've learned to control it mostly. But things happen that send me into stomach problems for days on end, too.
Thanks for sharing your story. It always feels good to know I'm not the only one.
wow everyone, you are all amazing – thank you for taking the time to comment.
The comments are telling me two things: 1) anxiety is a prevelant issue affecting MANY (and more than have been identified/know how to label it I suspect 2) my online community, once again, is awesome
Vicky, Julie – Therapy used to have such a stigma. I hope that it lessons and people seek help if needed.
hipcop – it's funny how our kids teach us so much about life eh?
Loukia, Diane – you are too sweet, really. I appreciate it.
Jen, Allie – it's a hard 'club' to belong to, but support is key – which is part of the reason I wrote this post. To encourage dialogue and outreach.
Erica – thanks so much for your honesty. Do you ever feel like it's expected of you to do it 'all' and then when you admit it's too much (or say no) people are surprised (or you feel guilty?) That's part of my issues. So hard to admit 'I can't'
Jody, thanks for the link – you are so right about removing the stigma of mental health. I especially think this is a problem for kids.
Lindsay and Amber – it's so hard to see it in our kids. I worry it will happen here. There are resources that may be of some assistance via http://www.cps.ca for kids. It's just not talked about for them.
Janet, thank you for the link re: praise. I will check it out.
Dani, that sounds great. When we finally meet we'll both be overanalyzing what the other was thinking 😉
Fantastic post, wow.
I find if I can try to change my thoughts from the anxiety to the opposite – it helps. For example… "I feel like a fraud" –> "These are just a few examples of how I show up real, true and honest to my family and friends".
Also – Rescue Remedy and soothing herbal tea helps me.
The other REALLY big thing that helps me is this —
What if my daughter feels this way when she gets older? How can I learn to get control — to move past these feelings so that one day, God forbid she has the feelings, I can help her out of them.
Then, I get real quiet. I breathe and I wait for the answers. (And, yes — meditation has helped me in big ways.)
That's what works for me. You'll find what works for you.
Here for ya… 🙂
xoxo
Michelle
Great post Rebecca. I think a lot of us have been there. I have anyway. Perfectionism is very hard to get over because it doesn't seem like being perfect should be a problem. But it is. Trying to be perfect will drive you crazy. Accepting that you never will be perfect will make you so much happier. If only it was easy to do. 🙂
Oh, I understand where you're coming from oh so well. What a brave post. Thanks for sharing.
Michelle Peer: it's funny you say 'what's the worse that could happen?' – because when I get anxious, I really have thoughts that the company I'm working for will go belly up/be put to shame. Sad!
Michelle Peer: it's funny you say 'what's the worse that could happen?' – because when I get anxious, I really have thoughts that the company I'm working for will go belly up/be put to shame. Sad!
Thank you for sharing your story Rebecca. I think it shows not only why it is so important to take care of yourself, but also those around you.
Personally, I don't suffer from a lot of anxiety. I do experience some of it, but I know the triggers and have found ways to calm it.
My husband, however is much more anxious than I am and our son has also inherited that from him. It means that I have to watch and listen very carefully to understand what they are experiencing and to help them, instead of just dismissing it as silly.
Understanding my husband's anxiety and seeing it in my son is one of the reasons that I parent the way that I do. I will never throw my my child into or leave my child in a situation where I know he is likely to panic. But I will work with him to build his confidence, which eventually (when he is ready) results in him deciding to tackle it on his own, and being immensely proud of himself for doing so.
Thank you for putting it out there in such a real and honest way Rebecca.
I have the odd sleepless night too (I like how you put it) and something creeps into my head and doesn't leave. It happened all the time until I realized that it was that afternoon coffee that was making my brain run on overdrive! 🙂
What helps me is if I visualize a giant mop or scrub brush. I scrub pesky thoughts away and banish them until I have time to deal with them properly. It sounds weird, but it actually works!
Great post! I am currently feeling my first real anxiety/stress in a very long time.
You see I will be leaving the kids (and Hubby) behind for a couple of days next week and as this is something I have never done it is just killing me. I have almost lost my lunch a couple of times. This is much worse than any of the stress I experienced years ago, the upset stomach, sweaty palms, sleeplessness it's all there and mostly because "I" put it there.
How will my family make it without me for three whole days?!?! They will probably be just fine.
Annie: my husband has his own worries, but not to this extent – although to be honest, he has his fair share of sleepless nights too. I do find that we balance each other – usually things that I stress about he doesn't and vice versa. a voice of reason is helpful.
And I so agree about the kids – my son is very sensitive -and I often wonder how much of his personality is driven by his own anxieties (which don't seem too bad right now) – but that's why we don't make any of his feelings seem 'small'. If he's uncomfortable in a situation, there is likely a good reason for it (ie: too crowded, something I have trouble with too)
Andrea: Having something to visualize is a great idea. Usually I either have to turn the tv on or have a hot bath to 'drown' my thoughts.
Anna: That is a very stressful situation for you, I completely understand. Of course they will be fine, but it's impossible for us not to think the worse right? Everything will be great – what a wonderful opportunity for you, but it must seem scary.
Everyone: your comments are so wonderful. It makes me feel less alone.
You ought to change the name of your blog to 'a lot of momsense' because judging from the responses here, you have truly struck a nerve with modern moms everywhere. I found Janet's comment interesting. Obviously this need to please/perfectionism is coming from somewhere and maybe closer attention should be paid to this so our own kids don't grow up as crippled with anxiety/depression as we often are. I would be devastated to see my son go through the same rollercoaster, but wonder if it's inevitable for both genetic and environmental reasons?
Great post Rebecca! I too suffer to a certain degree and so does my husband. We both have found our own ways of coping but we've recently noticed some of our traits in our 4 year old. We hope that if we give our kids the tools early enough, maybe they won't suffer the way we did. Now, if someone could just tell me what those tools are…
Thanks for sharing.
Very brave and honest of you to write this post. I can imagine it wasn't easy, but if you are at all like me you probably already feel better because of it. That's the wonderful thing about blogging, an opportunity to share, receive support and feedback from others who might feel the same.
You can see from all the comments that you are not alone. Doesn't it feel good to know that? You know I have my own set of struggles, and finding help and learning how to cope can be very empowering. Well done!
This is fantastic Rebecca – a great post for sure, I loved reading it and all the comments too.
I suffer from anxiety and always have. You could have been writing about me for most of your post! I have also been through therapy, and found it very helpful. As a result of a few family situations I was dealing with last summer, I ended up starting some anxiety medication last fall. I actually stopped them just last week, b/c I was dealing with some side effects that I wasn't comfortable with (weight gain – a major one!!). So I'm really going to try to center myself again, attempt to simplify my life and not try to "do it all" to help me cope and live happily.
Thanks so much for sharing this, like you, I feel much better just knowing that I am not alone.
Bitsy, I happen to know for a fact that when I finally get to meet you, you'll be exactly as wonderful and warm and lovely as I imagine you to be. I completely get what you're talking about re: anxiety. I used to panic in the most unexpected situations and hyperventilate. These days I've tried to convince myself that I'm dealing well with stress but tell that to my jaw! I clench it so hard some days that it swells and aches. Stress/anxiety/worry…it sucks. Big hug to you. L XO
It's only recently that I've realized just how high strung and stressed I am. And I never really linked your 'subtypes' (e.g. perfectionist, conflict avoider) to my own issues until really recently. Sometimes talking to someone else really does help 🙂
Little Green Mom – thank you for your kind words.
Sherri, others have mentioned a worry about their kids too. I understand. It's across my family and there is such a strong connection to heridity I can't help but look at ds and wonder. I'm going to try and do a follow up post with more info about kids.
The funny thing is everyone, that typically, I am quite stress free. I love my life and am truly truly happy – which makes it even more bizarre when I am overcome with these feelings.
Thank you for sharing!
I love readding, and thanks for your artical. ........................................
What a great discussion you have started here! I don't know that I have anything much to add except that I have always suffered from anxiety, and it finally got so bad this year that I am taking real steps now to help myself get out of it.
I'm curious if you think that most people, women, moms, go through this, as it would seem the comments indicate a lot of us are in this boat. What about bloggers? Do bloggers blog in part to get rid of some of the stresses and anxieties of life?
I had proposed a while back that most bloggers were introverts, and I wonder if there could be a connection with anxiety too? I have no data to back this up other than my non-scientific observations.
This must have been a tough one to write – excellent post. I can relate to every word…it's comforting to know others feel the same way. Thanks.
Finola, really interesting thought about women (although I do know men suffer), bloggers and introverts. I actually find that putting myself out there so to speak in a blog is at times stressful rather than a relief.
Mindful Merchant: It was hard to write on one hand – I had tweeted something about it 2 weeks ago and the response prompted me it was important to share, but it took me 2 weeks to do it – when I finally sat down to write, it took about 20 minutes, I just wrote what I felt. Thank you for commenting.
My son has anxiety issues (planning a post on that soon)which often comes out as behaviour issues like trying to control the situation. After doing that mommy-obsession thing I started to think about how my own anxiety has held me back and how we parents model dealing with anxiety and the answer is not so well! I read Patricia Pearson's book on anxiety… didn't help just made me more anxious…
Thanks for posting on this — a great discussion!
I can totally relate to you but this is a new thing for me. I had one bad panic attack months back. Meditation definitely helps but I think I need to speak with someone. Stress is bad but when it starts affecting you physically, it requires some help. Thanks for sharing. I think we keep it to ourselves too much which just makes things worse.