My 3.5 year is becoming much more aware that grandpa (my husband’s dad) is no longer at grandma’s house, or coming for a visit, or around. Period. He passed away in 2008.
I love the fact that we all talk openly and happily about grandpa. We look at pictures. We watch video. But he is bringing him up a lot lately. He knows grandpa and remembers him, and knows that he won’t be there when we go visit, but I am struggling to answer him well when he has been asking ‘where is he?’.
I say he’s in heaven (a concept that he doesn’t know much about and I don’t know how to explain. Even if I talk about God, I don’t want to say it’s the place people go when they die. Should I be telling him what ‘to die’ means?!) And I tell him we still love him, miss him and we can talk about him anytime. Which he accepts. For now. But eventually, he’ll want to know more. Ask about heaven. Death. It breaks my heart. It’s sad enough that he has to deal with knowing that grandpa is gone. But the ‘where’ is difficult.
I have two living grandparents – his great grandparents that he sees often and speaks of fondly. Grandpa is 95 this year. Nanny is in her late 80s. One day we won’t go to visit them. More questions will come I am sure.
I can’t protect the kids from the conversation of death forever, but I won’t lie – I am really trying. I don’t want them to worry about it. To think about it. I don’t think that exposing him early to funerals or this conversation will ‘help’ him when it happens when he’s older. It hurts at every age.
So for now, we talk about those we love and lost and he seems happy with that.
What would you do?
It's interesting that you bring this up, since we have been confronted with this same thing with my 4yo: my grandmother in August 2008, my husband's uncle, my in-law's dog this Easter.
I took a risk — I did explain death as I understood it. My daughter shows signs of the same anxiety issues that plague the rest of the women in my family — I've learned the hard way that disguising the truth makes that problem MUCH worse for her.
My own personal belief is that we take resources from the Earth to be born and survive, and those resources must be returned when our lives are over (and yes, I did believe that BEFORE I saw Avatar!! LOL! Nothing like hearing an imaginary 9 ft tall blue woman with a tail expounding your own life philosophy). Anyway, that was something my daughter understood — we live in farm country and it didn't seem so strange to her that if it happens to crops and animals it might happen to people too. It fit her worldview, and didn't seem so strange or unnatural.
We talked about heaven, although I did tell her nobody really knows for sure (she's pretty big on having proof for things, so I can't really get away with claiming things are a certain way if I don't know). I made sure she understood it was OK to be sad and to miss those who have died, and to ask questions.
So she seems OK — I was really worried about discussing this with her but I'm happy with my choice. I really think it depends on your kid — and you're right, you can only get so far before you either tell them or lie outright, and the loss of trust wouldn't be worth it.
Of course, now that she has a grasp of death she's moved on to "Where was I before I was in your tummy?" Lord help me.
My grandma is 100 this year and it has sparked a lot of conversation between my then 4 year old and I. She's almost 6 now. I told her that people die because they get old and they are finished their life. When you die, you don't come back but you wait for the people you love in a special place that can be whatever you want. She has never met her great-grandpas (I hardly did either) and was quite concerned they wouldn't know her when she got to the special place. I told her that they know what she looks like and will find her.
I personally, don't believe in heaven but talking about this special place was a way for her to not be scared of death and to understand that death is natural and not a bad thing. We talk about it all the time – when a ladybug dies, or someone's grandma at school.
I'd tell you to be as honest as you can. Kids are smarter then we give them credit for. My daughter understands that when you die, you don't come back and that yes, we'll miss our loved ones but we'll "see them again" when it's our turn to die. I've also told her that I'm not going anywhere until I'm VERY wrinkly and old and finished my life.
That was a lot of rambling I think. 🙂 Now I get to do it all over again with MY 3 year old. At least he has a big sister that can tell him it's ok.
I'm not entirely sure what your religious beliefs are, Rebecca, but -for the Christian perspective- I can't recommend Randy Alcorn's books enough. His book entitled "Heaven" helped me so much after Nathaniel died. He also has several books for kids:
http://www.amazon.com/Tell-About-Heaven-Randy-Alcorn/dp/1581348533/ref=pd_sim_b_8
http://www.amazon.com/Wait-Until-Then-Randy-Alcorn/dp/1414310412/ref=pd_sim_b_3 (this one is actually about a little boy and his grandpa)
The Bible is really very clear about Heaven. Reassuringly so.
Hugs to you.
I faced a similar issue when my husband's mother died in February. In the end, I chose to not discuss it at this time with my children. Granny lived nearly a days drive away in a nursing home and my oldest hadn't seen her in 4 years. Since she wasn't part of our daily lives, we felt this was easier. Our 6yo is also a worrier, at age 4 we read Charlotte's Web and she became inconsolable when she put together that Charlotte died because she was old and that her Granddad is old so he might die soon. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it in our daily lives, but I'm still not quite sure what I'll say.
bit.ly/dtDpEN
As you know, my experience with this is quite intense, having lost a parent myself at such a young age. Thankfully my son hasn't yet had to face a death, well, at least not a human one. Our caregiver had to put down her dog a year ago and that caused lots of confusion. While I don't believe a child so young should ever be taken to a funeral, I do believe in honesty. I believe we have to share knowledge with our children in ways that they can process and understand. Does that mean being specific, not necessarily. But we have talked a little about death with our son, he cried when we found a dead caterpillar on the road. He doesn't get it because he hasn't had to face loss yet, and I hope that doesn't come for a long time yet. But I also want him to know about the circle of life so that he doesn't fear it or learn about it from tv or his peers. With school coming soon, I realize that he will learn things from others and things like this I want him to hear from me.
This is such a tough topic! Unfortunately, I had to have this discussion with my oldest son (then 4) when his Papa passed away suddenly from a heart-attack. At the time, my son saw his Papa on a daily basis (we lived just a stone’s throw away from each other). Having to tell him that Papa was gone, that he had died, and that he would not be coming back was the most heart-wrenching thing I’ve yet to have to do as a parent.
I wished I could have somehow prepared him for it – but it’s so difficult to know when is the right time to talk about something as heavy as death with a child.
I think at the end of the day, you have to follow your parental instincts – this isn’t something you can avoid talking about forever, but you’ll know when the right time is.