This is the post I haven’t been able to write.
While I feel ready to get back the blogging world and keep this blog moving forward (including the launch, as planned, of my FoodSense blog eventually!) I have to write this post first.
Many of you already know from Twitter but 2 weeks ago cancer walked into this house. My husband came home from a follow up doctor’s appointment with news of testicular cancer.
Cancer.
The word alone derives fear and sadness. We lived through the loss of my husband’s father just 2 years ago from pancreatic cancer. We saw what that did to him, and the family. And now, it’s entered my house.
I wanted to scream for the cancer to get out.
The first words out of my mouth were stumbled through quivering lips and near sobs ‘he did not’ (at the doctor’s diagnosis) followed by ‘I don’t want you to go’ and ‘I don’t want you to have this’. That basically sums up a lot.
We couldn’t look at the kids without tearing up in those first few hours.
And we tried to acknowledge the stats. The percentages for testicular cancer – cure rates – are wonderful. And this was caught early by all accounts (there needs to be a whole other post about the amazing medical care we’ve had) But at the time, when faced with any concept of the morality of your husband, father of your children and soul mate, stats do not out- weigh emotion.
The week went like a blur at times and molasses at other times. Follow up chats with the doctors. More stats. More information. Too much information. Not enough information. And within 5 days, at our first meeting with the urologist, it was decided surgery would happen right away.
We knew that the testicle would have to be removed – the tumour was growing and there is no chance to biopsy. The quickness of everything was almost as shocking as the diagnosis. But it was a good thing. We wanted the cancer out.
The surgery went well and this past week my husband has been at home with us recovering. The well wishes from friends, family and virtual strangers has been overwhelming and extremely positive. We feed on that support and words cannot begin to express our gratitude.
We are living each day with optimism that the surgery removed everything and that our future consists of follow up appointments and check ins only.
But the fear sits in the pit of our stomach. What if it has spread? What will chemo be like?
He will forever now be a cancer patient. He is 36.
I will forever be a caretaker of a cancer patient. I am 30.
It’s a shadow that we didn’t expect. Or want. In weak moments, and rather rarely, we ponder ‘why me’ and feel the heat of anger at the thought of this.
We didn’t want a cause.
We didn’t want to be taught a lesson or be made stronger.
The truth is, our life is pretty awesome. We are blessed and live life as such. This won’t make us stronger. It won’t bring us closer together because we were already a strong unit. A team. We’ve always been a team and dammit we hate to lose.
So we hold hands. And laugh. Oh, how we laugh (our current motto is ‘kick cancer in the balls’. And you can imagine how many testicle related jokes happen around here). Laughing is good. We’re a bunch of goofs so we need that.
And we continue to feel happy. And blessed. Because we are. We love each other. In sickness and in health. We have two beautiful, fun and sweet children for which we must care for and love.
They are young. They don’t really get it but our son knows that daddy has a bo-bo (he can’t lift anything after the surgery and the kids have to be careful when squeezing/hugging him because of the incision). He now worries about people getting hurt. He misses playing rough with daddy. And aside from them being completely off schedule while we were at the hospital, they seem happy. He’s excited about school, and frankly, they seem just happy to have daddy home during the day.
But it’s not as easy as I may make this sound. It’s hard not to stress and be consumed with thoughts about it. But we must try. And while I remain as positive as I can, I have moments of sadness and loneliness trying to keep it together.
This week we wait for test results. And oh man how the waiting is hard. The not knowing. The fear that we create in our own minds. But we can’t worry about something that is uncontrollable. We just have to wait for the follow up. Get the results and make our battle plan. He is strong. We are strong. We will win.
We take one step forward at a time, cautiously, but optimistically. We are walking with a new shadow. But still, we are together. When one has a tear, the other wipes it. When one stumbles, the other pulls them up. When one feels pieces falling apart, the other puts them back together. It’s how it has always been in our marriage, and this is no different.
We’re a team. Built on love and compassion. And this team is ready to kick cancer in the balls.
**I will gladly answer any questions you have about this, including awareness and treatment so feel free to leave a comment. I will eventually write a post about how we discovered it as my husband insists that if any good can come of it – if other men get caught early – then it’s a start.
Good luck with your fight! It may be hard, but I’m sure it will be a battle you will all win.
A very moving post! You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hope you hear wonderful news this week!
hugs.
You and your family are amazing. I am in awe of how you can write this so soon. It is a testament to the strength of your love and marriage. And positive attitude. I wish you all the best and pray that you kick cancer in the balls- hard.
Since hearing this news, you and your family have constantly been on my mind. Dh could not have anyone better at his side to go through this with. Remain positive, you have lots of love and support behind you. xo
I have been keeping you and your family in my thoughts this week. Praying for the best results this week.
Such a beautifully written, powerful post. I am teary from the stupid unfairness of cancer, but also from the amazing attitude that you and your husband have. I am positive that you will kick cancer in the balls and help others along the way. xo
A powerful post! When we were asked why we chose to wear pink aprons in a cupcakery during today’s photo-shoot, we pointed out cancer touches all of us. It is why my better half and I sponsor, we donate, we fundraise, she runs, and I cheer.
Best wishes to you and your family. Our hopes to your husband. Hugs to you.
Hard news to share. Sounds like you’ve done everything you possibly could with early detection and fast surgery. You’ve got a leg up on beating this thing. I’d say “stay strong,” but you’re already doing it and are pros at continuing to do it; you don’t need my encouragement!
Wishing you and your family all the love, luck, and strength you already have and then some. I know you’re all taking great care of each other. Be extra kind to yourself in dealing with all of the reactions that bubble up to the surface. It’s okay to feel whatever you feel. *hugs*
I will be sending you lots of good thought while you wait.
A wonderfully honest post. Thank you for sharing.
My husband is also 36 and I can only imagine what you are both feeling but also the laughter you can still share!
Good luck with the coming weeks.
Thank you for sharing your story. Good luck to you and your family, stay strong and positive and you will beat this.
BTW I love the “Kick cancer in the balls”
I admire you so very much for the strength which is so evident in your very articulate writing about this dreaded disease and how it is impacting you and your family.
I can only relate on a level of having had to deal with cancer with both of my parents and more recently with my younger sister but I understand your fear, your need to remain positive when every nerve in your body wants to scream and cry and to somehow turn back the clock to days not consumed by this invader.
I would have not dealt with cancer in my family as well if I did not retain my sense of humour, as dark as it can be at times, it is a great survival tool. Hang on to yours and hug tight to your partner for truly the two of you are a team to reckon with!
Will be keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers, especially this week as you wait for the results.
Appreciation to you for sharing your story – and hoping very much that your news this week is good. It sounds so scary and I totally ‘get’ your comment that you were not looking for a “cause” or to “be made stronger” – by sharing your story you may make someone else stronger or remind them to monitor their health. My very best wishes and thoughts to you and your family. I love that you can still laugh and have plans to kick cancer right out of the ballpark.
Your news was a huge shock and the way you were/are dealing with it is an inspiration to me. I think the only way to ‘kick cancer in the balls’ is how you and your husband are doing it. It made me look at my husband and children differently this past week, and I thank you for that. I will be along for the ride pulling for you both. Don’t be afraid to lean on all of us when you need it. Big hugs.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!
Hugs
Wonderful post. I’m wishing you all my hope and good thoughts for good results, and thanks for sharing your story.
Hugs to you and all your family. I remember when my Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. D was one month old (he is 9 years now) and I was so devastated, I had never felt so lost. My mom is a survivor and I pray your DH is as well. Hugs again!
My prayers are with you and your family…
Beautiful, moving post Rebecca. My thoughts and positive energy go out to you and your family. Thank you for sharing this – touching, inspirational, and extremely courageous.
You’re in my thoughts… hard road indeed.
Oh my god, Rebecca, how did I miss this entirely? I am all choked up just reading this — I can’t imagine how hard it must be to live through it. Your positivity and strength are evident in each word, and in each of your energy-filled tweets, too. (Seriously, HOW did I miss this?) I’m so sorry that you two have to endure this, but am glad that you have each other for courage and support and love. And of course, you have us for that, too. Healthy and healing thoughts…
Thinking of you and your family. Wishing you lots of strength — and even some stress-induced giggles to help you get through too.
Thank you thank you everyone.Your words truly touch us. Thank you.
Great attitude when faced with a horrid situation. I’m sending you my best thoughts!
I’m sorry for the struggle you’re going through together, but it’s clear you’re a winning team. Cancer’s balls picked the wrong couple to mess with!
Hi Rebecca, I don’t know you (other than by a few tweets here and there) but I am definately wishing all the best for you, your husband and family.
Oh gosh, how did I miss this? I knew you’d been at the hospital recently but didn’t know why. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re in my thoughts.
Amanda
Strength, and hope for all your family. Hopefully the amazing reaction of the doctors as well as your youth and the early detection will #kickcancerintheballs as you say.
Oh Rebecca, I’m so sorry to hear it! Send you a big hug and best wishes for awesome test results.
If only you knew how often I’m thinking of you. Love you, sweet lady, and love your family by extension of that affection. Your family deserves so much happiness. May all the good you have put out into the world come back to you, a hundredfold. This week. This month. This year. And may this be a story that someday you tell, having almost forgotten about it. A bump in your road, a blip on your radar screen. Over and done with. Sending you the best, always.
Rebecca I just read this and I feel horrible that I have missed everything that you have been dealing with while I was barely online for the last couple weeks. I send you a huge hug and will keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers. Your are a strong woman and an inspiration, you guys will “kick cancer in the BALLS”.
Oh Rebecca, I’ve been off blogs and twitter for a while now while in Regina and settling in/being sick in Bogota. What a kick in the gut news like this is! Thank goodness it was caught early and that we have such amazing medical care in Canada. Big hugs to you all as you face this new challenge. You’re a strong team, a strong family and you’ll DEFINITELY kick this!
Maybe it was a bad idea to read this at work, as I am now crying. I am so sorry that you are all going through this. It is a terrible thing, cancer, and we’ve had to see many people close to us suffer from this. The good news is that this cancer is treatable and the survival rate is high. Like you said, you didn’t need this to become stronger, because you already were. You will fight this together, though, and we are all here for you. I love you! HUGS! Happy thoughts and prayers for you guys, ALWAYS!