We’ve been at home as a family since March 13 (I think we are in week 7?) and as a writer it’s a bit odd that I’ve taken over a month to write about it. But I barely could wrap my head around things the first few weeks to be honest.
Nothing during this feels normal. Or easy.
And it took me a long while to figure out why it seemed like others were ‘doing so much better’ than I was – posting on their blog, selling, creating, sharing. But the fact is we never really know how people are actually doing and everyone copes differently.
But I do want to keep writing.
And I figured that I should have a record of this time because that’s what this blog has always been – a bit about my life, journey as a mom, local living and more. So I do want to have a bit of a record during all of this right here.
In the first couple of weeks I was sure to republish some activities and recipes on this blog that I thought would be helpful for families. And the truth is, that was all I could do. I barely could write, some days I barely could function.
It took me a long time to realize that I reacted to all of this the same way I did when Andy was diagnosed with cancer (10 years ago). In the first week I barely ate, barely slept and felt so anxious about everything. It was miserable and so hard.
The difference is that after that first week, I went into survival mode with his diagnosis. I had jobs and plans to control. I had to take care of him and the kids (a toddler and baby at the time) after surgery, then during chemo. I had to be on pill duty, fever watch, manage appointments and phone calls. It kept me busy and I could do that. Every action we took was for a purpose and with an end date – his clean bill of health.
With this situation, the control and the tasks aren’t there. We have to wait. We don’t know for how long. To see what’s next, to listen to new recommendations. In the early days we were constantly pivoting what we knew and what we could do. It felt like whiplash.
So most of the control is now at least here within my home. I stopped crying daily which is something I did in the first week or so.
At home we are together and that we can control. Where we know what the ‘rules’ are. It’s the best we can do right now. For this, I am grateful and fully recognize how fortunate we are to be working from home and have our cupboards filled with food, and deliveries of items we need.
I feel like we have settled into a bit more of a – something (not routine, not normal) just something around here where at the very least I am sleeping well and don’t have panic attacks on the daily. We are healthy and content (as much as we can be) and are eating and sleeping quite well in general. We are doing okay.
Some days feel really happy and joyful to be honest – we laugh, share stories. Other days are harder.
I am working still and it’s a welcome distraction. I am fortunate to have a job that continues to be of value for some businesses, and while I took a lot of losses in March as contracts ended (as expected) things are picking up again. I’m freelance writing, working on social media strategies and building up a plan to help more people with their content.
Writing, answering emails, and planning takes me a lot longer than it used to. I’m trying to balance my time on the computer with family time and self-care and some days it’s great, and other days it’s not.
Productivity is a weird thing. Some days I feel on it, and most days I’m tired after simple tasks. It’s bizarre.
Andy is working too and we are feeling incredibly grateful to both have jobs. The transition for both of us working at home isn’t new (we’ve done this for some time, and many of you may know that he is always home in the summer) so that’s been fairly straightforward. But we haven’t done it while schooling, and dealing with worry. Again, see the productivity part. It’s all new.
The kids took about a month before it really hit them that this is lasting and having an impact beyond an extended March break.
Distance learning has begun, but we are struggling to find a groove. I don’t know that we will in truth. I find it a lot of work, and while the distraction for them is good, it’s also not the same as having usual ‘homework’ or learning with friends. This is new for all of us, so we are giving some grace on expectations. As with my own self, some days are better than others and their motivation and productivity comes and goes. Let’s just say it’s a mixed bag (although, the eldest has been managing his time very well. The youngest is absolutely missing her friends and the social learning school provides).
We have open conversations about our physical and mental health, so the kids have always been able to come to us when they are worried, anxious or upset. They miss friends, they are concerned about what’s happening, they are confused. They know they can talk about it. We are all allowed good and bad days.
But overall, they are content. They have time to play (truthfully our screen limits aren’t really in existence with the exception of bedtime) and they chat with friends and family thanks to technology. They craft, play, create, build, write, record and more. We are trying.
As a family, we are a strong unit. That is serving us well. Again, we are fortunate.
Our backyard is tiny but with the nice weather here, we are about to use it more and more. It becomes an extra living room, play space and soon hobby garden.
We long to be in PEI of course, with open space to run and play.
We recognize how comfortable and privileged we are being able to both have jobs and work from home and offer our kids the support they need. This isn’t something everyone can do or afford. We don’t take that for granted. It also means we’ve made the effort when possible to shop local and support local businesses and make donations throughout this time to organizations who are helping to make a difference in our community.
Not all support has to be monetary – I see a lot of great support online for businesses when people share their offers and help connect them with potential new customers. If you can’t donate, that donation of space and amplification can make a difference.
A final note
There is nothing normal about this. Not the way the kids are learning. Not the way we are working, living, shopping, existing.
It’s exhausting. Our brains are tired. We aren’t going to be as productive (despite what many on the internet may say). We are bombarded with news, with projections, with possibilities.
This is not normal.
So however you are feeling or handling it, it’s not fair to compare to ‘normal times’.
The best we can do is take the steps we need to for our own mental and physical well being. For those around us. For those in our community.
I feel changed. And that’s not to sound philosophical. That’s just how I feel. How I shop, how I parent, how I work – it’s all changed.
We take this day by day and we are doing our best. I’m not sure what else to do for now.
Sending you virtual hugs. Stay at home. Take care.
